


lost in my mind

by madmadeleine



Series: adventures in domesticity [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 13:27:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1689986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madmadeleine/pseuds/madmadeleine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you / and the waves they will not overcome you." With Bucky staying at Steve's place now, there are good nights and there are bad nights. Sometimes, there are even both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lost in my mind

“NO!” The scream tore through the dark apartment. “NO, NO, PLEASE, I’LL DO ANYTHING!” Steve was up in less than a second, gun drawn, approaching the living room.

Bucky was on the floor, tangled in the old knit blanket Steve always had on the end of the couch, scratching relentlessly at his metal arm. Steve approached slowly, hands in the air.

“Bucky, Bucky, it’s me, it’s Steve, you’re here, you’re safe, you’re with me.” He knelt on the floor. Bucky looked at him with wild, unseeing eyes.

“I can’t kill him, I won’t do it, he’s my friend, _I knew him_ ,” Bucky whimpered, and Steve felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces.

“Buck, it’s me,  I’m—” Steve was cut off by Bucky’s hand closing around his throat.

“NO! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, I—” Bucky’s hand dropped as suddenly as it had appeared, and he backed up in horror.

“Buck?” Steve rasped, “that you in there?”

“No, no, God, no, Steve, Steve, I’m so sorry, I never wanted to-- ”

“I know, Buck, I know. It’s okay. I’m fine. C’mere.”

“There are bruises on your throat, Steve!” Bucky snapped. “Fuck, I knew this was a bad idea, I knew you would get hurt. I knew I would hurt you. I’ll go, I’ll go now, fuck, Steve, please, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t go, Buck. It’s okay. They’ll be gone by tomorrow morning. Sit down, c’mon.”

Bucky started tearing at his left arm. “Let me take this off, Steve, let me take it off, I’ll hurt you again. Jesus, I never meant-"

“I know. I know, Bucky. It’s okay.”

“You don’t know!” Bucky’s voice rose in pitch. “I’m not Bucky, I’m not the good man you knew anymore. Maybe I was once, but he’s dead. Bucky’s dead.” He suddenly became so quiet that Steve had to strain to hear the last: “He didn’t survive the fall.”

“You don’t have to be Bucky. Do you want me to call you something different? I’ll call you Doris if I have to, just stay,” Steve pleaded.

Bucky’s lips quirked into a ghost of his old grin. It didn’t even come close to his eyes. “Please don’t call me Doris.” He sank down onto the couch. Steve sat down gingerly next to him.

“Do you want me to stay?” Steve whispered.

“Please,” Bucky said as he put his head on Steve’s shoulder. Steve put his hand on Bucky’s knee and listened to his best friend’s quiet breathing.

“Who am I?” Bucky whispered softly after a few minutes. “God, I don’t know enough about anything. I know we were best friends.” Pause. “I think I might have been in love with you. Maybe I still am.” His voice turned sharp and cynical. “But I know for damn sure that I have blood on my hands that’s never coming off. I know I tried to kill you. I know I’m not safe around anyone.”

“Bucky.” Steve’s voice was soft but firm as he took both of Bucky’s hands and turned to face his friend. “Stop it, okay? I know who you are.

“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes.” He kissed Bucky’s forehead. “To me, you were Bucky.” His temple.  “I’ve loved you since we were twelve years old.” The hollow space of his collarbones. “You fell off a train, and I couldn’t save you, and I haven’t been the same since.” His neck. “Then you came back to me, and I will walk through fire to keep you here.” He claimed Bucky’s mouth with a final, bruising kiss. “I love you.”

“I’m with you ‘till the end of the line,” Bucky whispered as he fell against Steve’s chest.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the song of the same name by the head and the heart. the quote in the summary is from isaiah 43. (I'm going straight to hell.)  
> also: yes, this is super short. it's part of a series that will actually update regularly starting on thursday! (thursday being the day of my last final.)


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